TREEHUGGERS
Spoofy
By Dick Carmack
Dear Mr. Editur,
I
got a idea that our granddaddys warn't munkeys or such, but was Tree Huggers
jist the same. If I was ejecated I spect that would be a thirry, or maybe
even a high‑poty‑sis.
Bein'
a Christian I know some about the Bible and I figger every word in it is true
as can be, or it really ain't much use att all. That being the case it
says that trees was created first and was full growed cause they was growin'
fruit just like they do now, and that was three or four days before a man even
was.
It
figgers then that when man (our granddaddys) came along them trees was already
there, full growed and somethin that could really be hung on to if the need
be. Like you figgered all this is leadin' up to somethin' and here it is:
About
the first of July I read in the papers that scientists added a "leap
second" to there atomic clocks in order to make 'em come out right cause
the earth was slowin' down and purty soon I reckon it'll quit altogether.
It
said the last time that happened was about 2 and a half years before, January
of '90 they said and I reckon if that be the case it probly happened other
times at about the same space say like June of '87 and before that too, right
reglar most likely. The paper didn't say and my watch ain't near good
enough to argue the point. But them scientists has got sum pretty good
stuff to work with and I reckon they're right on track when it comes down to
measuring things close.
So
anyway, I got to thinking about that the other day and I sharpened my pencil
and did a little figerin' and I'm gonna tell you here what I come up with and
you can check me out if you want two and see if what I say don't make sense.
Now
if 2 1/2 years ago we wuz short 1 second and 5 years ago we wuz short 2 seconds
and so on, that means that not too long back, 216,000 years ago (2 1/2 years
times 86,400 seconds in a day), this earth turned plumb around on its axle in
jist one second! And thats flat movin' on. It calcylates out to
25,000 miles a second, give or take a little. And only 2 and a half years
before that we reach what I think they call "infinity," which means
it flat cain't be done.
Some
of them scientists that push the idea of us comin' from munkeys try to tell us
over and over again' that this world is somethin' like 4 or 5 billyun years
old. Now 216,000 years sounds like a lot but if you put it up besides
4 and a half billyun you gotta multiply by about 20 thousand to even git
close.
So
anyways, if this earth was goin' anyways NEAR that fast then the speed
of a jet airplane wouldn't even be noticed. So if my granddaddy and yours
was here on this world when that was happenin' and if they didn't grab ahold of
the nearest tree and hang on for dear life, maybe they WAS as dumb as a
munkey. And it probly makes sense that they didn't even have to climb up cause
them trees was already bent down clear to the ground and they jist crawled under 'em and hugged up tight with both arms
and legs and all ten toes. I told you they was Tree Huggers and now you
gotta agree.
But
usin' common sense, accordin' to what we see by lookin' at things, everthing
else is slowin' down and wearin' out to, not jist this planet. My boots
wear out reglar and I know the house is gettin' to where it lets in the cold
more and I reckon this old body will wear out someday soon two so it really
ain't no suprise that the world is goin' slower and slower. But all that
makes us think that if everything goes slower now it went a lot faster before,
and somewheres back there I reckon God had to wind it all up. It sure
didn't wind ITSELF up and that's a fact. How could it when all it WANTS
to do is run down and wear out?
Chances
are this earth and everything else in the universe wuz all put together and
started up about 6 thousand years ago jist like the Holy Bible sez. But
men don't want to believe in either God or the Bible because thataway they
gotta answer fer what they do and think and that's somthin' they jist don't
want. But it really don't matter what WE want does it? What
really matters is what's a fact whether we're smart enough to admit it
or not.
I
don't know about some of them scientists tho, sometimes is seems like what
they come up with today makes what they told us about yestirday seem like foolishness
and I think maybe that's what's happenin' here. I got my suspects that all
this talk about the earth being all them billyuns of years old is kind of like
a big fish story. Ever time they tell it, it jist gets bigger and older and
bigger and older. Looks to me like we better git right with Jesus before its to
late.
Yours
Truly,
Cornelius
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